Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
HOW TO SIMULATE A TRIP TO SEA, IN LAND.....
- Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
- Replace the closet door with a curtain.
- Four hours after you go to sleep, have your mate whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Your watch!".
- Put a wall across the middle of you bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.
- When taking showers, shut off the water while soaping.
- Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to high.
- If your basement floods, during a sudden thaw, go down and start bailing.
- Bring inside some type of gas motor (lawn mower, garden tiller, etc.), start, and leave running while trying to listen to favorite CD, or having an in depth conversation.
- If the wind outside is howling, race around the house to make sure all windows and doors are secure (at night, everyone takes a turn on 'watch').
- Place all non edible garbage in small plastic bags, and store in other half of tub (edible garbage to be thrown out the window).
- Wake up at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. Cold canned ravioli or soup, is optional.
- Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in the pantry, fridge, or freezer.
- Once a month, pick a major appliance, take it completely apart, and put it back together.
- Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot, and allow it to sit for 5 to 6 hours before drinking.
- Put a fluorescent light under the coffee table, and lay there to read a book.
- Every so often, throw the cat in the tub (hot tub, large sink, etc.) and shout, "Man overboard!".
- Run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots, pans and dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at the mate for not having the place "stowed for sea"!!!!
Sunday, September 25, 2005
A man fell overboard from his little boat, and was thrashing around in the water when another boat pulled up. "Jump in, we'll save you!" they screamed.
"No," cried the drowning man, "God will save me."
The scene was repeated twice and then a helicopter hovered over the man.
"We came to rescue you!" yelled the pilot.
"No, God will save me," was the response again.The man drowned, and as he crossed the Pearly Gates, he ran straight to Jesus.
"I placed my faith in You, and You let me drown?!"
"Hey!" said Jesus. "I sent three boats and a helicopter!"
The following is supposedly a documented conversation between the USS Lincoln and a Canadian "vessel".
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadian: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a U.S.A. navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadian: No. I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadian: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good-looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island.
One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself.
With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"
An old sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for Patpong once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some
reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"
A guest, on a private sailboat on a compass heading to the Bahamas, had to hit the head. Excusing himself he left the main cabin.
Shortly after, a sudden squall hit the ship. A giant freak wave rolled over the vessel and, with a stress breach in the hull, the boat began taking on water!
Just short of sinking and with his guests and crew in the life boat, the captain realized someone was missing. Working his way towards the aft cabins and fighting the onslaught of water rushing in, he broke open the door to the head.
There stood the missing guest. Shaken and confused he looked at the captain and said, "I don't understand, all I did was pull the handle!"
- If you are a friend of the captain, you can wipe your hands on the sail.
- Where water is the boss, there must the land obey.
- Smooth seas do not make skilful sailors.
- The water in which one drowns is always an ocean.
- When asked, "What news from the sea?" The fish replied "I have a lot to say, but my mouth is full of water."
- No matter how treacherous is the sea, a woman will always be more so.
- If you want to drown yourself, don't torture yourself with shallow water.
- The boat sails by, the shore remains.
- Raise your sail one foot and you get ten feet of wind.
- Big ships often sail on big debts.
- Don't build a new ship out of old wood.
- He who sees heaven in the water sees the fishes in the trees.
- If rain bothers you, you can always jump into the sea.
- No matter how big the sea may be, sometimes two ships meet.
- One foot cannot stand on two boats.
- The heart is but the beach beside the sea that is the world.
- The water that a ship sails on is the same water that swallows it up.
- There are people that fish and those who just disturb the water.
- Though all rivers flow into it, the sea never overflows.
- Water can do without fishes, fishes cannot do without water.
- After a big ship has rotted away, there still remain three thousand nails.
- When a large vessel has opened a way it is easy for a small one to follow.
- Whenever the water rises, the boat will rise too.
- Why jump in the water before the ship turns over.
- You can't load a small boat with heavy cargo.
- Don't buy a boat that is under water.
- Every source flows to the sea.
- Seamen learn to get to know each other during a storm.
- The sea breeze blows the pelican where he wants to go.
- All rivers do their best for the sea.
- Don't sail out farther than you can row back.
- It is too late to learn to swim when the water is up to your lips.
- A man without money is like a ship without sails.
- A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.
- Better lose the anchor than the whole ship.
- Better poor on land than rich at sea.
- He that is embarked with the devil must sail with him.
- It is good rowing with the sail set.
- The best pilots are ashore.
- Worse things happen at sea.
- Make not your sail too big for your ballast.
- The ship that will not obey the helm will have to obey the rocks.
- The new boat will find the old stones.
- If the seawater were hotter we could catch boiled fish.
- God will help a seaman in a storm but the pilot must still remain at the wheel.
- It is good to swim near a boat.
- The surface of the water is beautiful, but it is no good to sleep on.
- It is the calm and silent water that drowns a man.
- If you cannot catch a fish, do not blame the sea.
- Where there is a sea there are pirates.
- Women are as changeable as the sea.
- You know who the good seamen are when the storm comes.
- Hungarian Proverb:
He who wants to go fishing must not be afraid of the water.
- Icelandic Proverb:
- You can't complain about the sea if you suffer shipwreck for the second time.
- All the water in the sea doesn't even reach the knees of the man who fears not death.
- Don't bargain for fish which are still in the water.
- Follow the river and you will get to the sea.
- The sea becomes the shore, the shore becomes the sea.
- Nodding the head does not row the boat.
- There are finer fish in the sea than have ever been caught.
- After the ship has sunk, everyone knows how she might have been saved.
- One should learn to sail in all winds.
- Fear blows wind into your sails.
- If you are in a boat you are more afraid of fire than you are of water.
- One cannot scoop up the ocean with a sea shell.
- Too many hands will row the boat up a mountain.
- Where there is fish, there is water.
- Each man makes his own shipwreck.
- No man can swim ashore and carry his baggage with him.
- He who is not lucky, let him not go to sea.
- Though near shore, you're still in the ocean.
New Zealand Proverb:
- The prudent embark when the sea is calm -- the rash when it's stormy.
- There is no wind that blows right for the sailor who doesn't know where the harbour is.
- Do good and throw it in the sea.
- A boat stands firmer with two anchors.
- Not everything is a mermaid that dives into the water.
- Once you have fallen into the water, you're not scared of water any more.
- Pray to God but continue to row to the shore.
- Waves will rise on silent water.
- In the ocean, one does not need to sow water.
- When the sea is calm, every ship has a good captain.
- Hoist your sail when the wind is fair.
- Our passions are the winds that propel our vessel. Our reason is the pilot that steers her. Without winds the vessel would not move and without a pilot she would be lost.
- Sailors have a port in every storm.
- Salt water and absence wash away love.
- A ship with two captains sinks.
- The sea never buys fish.
- Familiarity is like the sea that kills the fisherman.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
The Captain, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Seaman, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Sailor wasn't going to disagree with the Captain, so the he saluted again and replied "Yes Sir!".
The Captain continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Seaman didn't agree, but then the seaman was just a seaman, and responded " Yes Sir!"
Then the Captain, pointing at the dog said, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Seaman glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said " Yes Sir!" The Captain continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Seaman simply said, "Good trade Sir!"
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.
Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal.
Each pirate will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will marry her and so on.
All the pirates get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different pirate each week.
The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies...
The first week after wasn't too bad.
The second week was getting sort of bad.
The third week was getting pretty bad.
The fourth week was really bad.
The fifth week was horrible!
By the sixth week it was unbearable...
So, they buried her....